I almost always lie!

Posted On June 30, 2020

I’m generally known to be brutally honest. But to tell the truth, I almost always lie whenever people ask how I am! I usually reply, “Fine,” but that isn’t the truth. Do you do the same?

You see, I’ve lived with fibromyalgia all of my adult life. Therefore, I never feel what I would describe as “fine.” I am not sharing this information to make you feel sorry for me or others who suffer from this health problem. Instead, what I hope to do is leave you with hope and encouragement for you and whatever you deal with on a daily basis. In order to convey my hope, I think it’s relevant that I clearly describe my health problem.

Rheumatology.org describes fibromyalgia as a common neurologic health problem that causes widespread pain and tenderness. The pain and tenderness tends to come and go, and move about the body. Most often, people with this chronic illness are fatigued and have sleep problems. They rarely wake up in the morning feeling refreshed. Recently it has been described as Central Pain Amplification disorder, meaning the volume of pain sensation in the brain is turned up too high.

I don’t know when the “fibro” started but I do remember on several occasions in middle school asking my parents if they would buy me a neck brace because I felt that it would help me hold my head up and help me not be so tired. They dismissed that request as crazy, and I don’t blame them! I started trying to get medical relief from fatigue early in my marriage. I remember the doctor could not find anything definitively wrong with me and basically told me to exercise more and I would feel less tired. That advice was so discouraging. I wanted to play tennis and volleyball but was way too tired to tackle doing the dishes or the laundry, much less those athletic activities.

Next I sought relief for my constant pain. I complained of neck, back and arm pain. I still laugh now, and did then, when the doctor asked me if I worked in a bakery! He said those symptoms were often found in people who knead dough regularly. I assured him that my problem was not related to baking. Finally after a variety of tests, I was told that I had fibromyalgia. It was a relatively new diagnosis category with little treatment options. I was prescribed amitriptyline, an antidepressant and nerve pain medication. I was to take it at bedtime to help me have a restful sleep. I once read it has over 100 side effects. The ones I experienced were drowsiness, lasting until around noon, lightheadedness, dry mouth, headaches and black tongue (that one is freaky).

Despite the side effects, I continued to take amitriptyline for about 30 years because it did help me stay asleep once I finally fell asleep. Before taking it, I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep until 1, 2 or 3 a.m. and then it wasn’t a deep sleep, proven by the fact that I would awake in the night if the cat jumped off the kid’s bed in another room onto the carpet.

Through the years, I’ve had several surgeries for pain. I had carpal tunnel surgery on both wrists to help with arm, elbow, and upper back pain (it didn’t help). I had lumbar fusion which did help with pain at the base of my spine. I had neck fusion that did help with some shoulder pain that I had always thought was caused by tension. Last year, I went to a day-long pain seminar and then consulted a pain management specialist. He recommended nerve ablation. This is a procedure in which a portion of nerve tissue is destroyed or removed to cause an interruption in pain signals to the brain. It involved getting 6 injections one day and 8 more three months later before getting the ablation in 8 different areas along my spine. The procedure only relieved the pain for a few months. The pain specialist then diagnosed me with incurable chronic pain that might be helped by taking a combination of Cymbalta and Lyrica and to get as much exercise as I can tolerate.

After taking those medications for three months and seeing no difference in pain relief, I now only get deep-tissue massages and daily take pharmacist-regulated oral CBD oil and 1900 mg. of Tylenol. I try to exercise and even play pickleball on “good” days.

Why I Lie

I lie for three reasons when people ask how I am. One, very few really understand my health problem and hearing all about it doesn’t make either one of us feel any better.

Two, telling how I feel often leads to receiving suggestions and advice from well meaning friends. I already know what doctors and researchers say and recommend and I belong to an online support group. I don’t need more ideas.

And the third, and most important, reason I lie is because it makes me feel better when I say “I’m fine.” It keeps me from dwelling on my problems. It alters my mindset. The topic of conversation usually veers toward more pleasant topics. Ones that leave me truly feeling better. A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. Proverbs 17:22

In my experience, my mindset has much to do with how I physically feel. I never awake pain free but if I make myself get up, I start feeling much better after a few hours. I try to stay busy to take my mind off the pain. That was easy when I had a full-time job but has become more difficult as a retiree. One reason I’ve started blogging, is to get my mind focused on better things because I have had a very happy life.

My husband’s response to “how are you?” is often, “Why are you asking, you don’t really want to know.” He likes to do that to see people’s reactions and he loves being sarcastic. I respond with “Fine,” because it helps me become fine!

Positive attitudes empower me to focus on the blessings in my life and to enjoy a measure of happiness that I might ignore if I focus on the difficulties in life. I suggest that you do the same.